I can hear his heart pounding as he pulls me closely to his bare chest. His hands begin to caress my cheek and glide through my brown wavy hair. He pulls my body closer to him and for a brief moment we embrace.
I can feel the sweat on my husband’s brow as his fingers begin to crawl up my back like a brown recluse spider. I know without a doubt that there ain’t but one thing on my man’s mind, and honeychild, I can tell you at that moment… he’s not thinking about shopping with me at TJMaxx!
With great hesitancy, I crawl under the bed sheets, in an outfit that has less material than the average Kleenex tissue. For the life of me, I can’t figure out how I even managed to slip it on my imperfect figure without displacing a hip or causing a serious back injury. I lean over to whisper in his ear what I have been agonizing in my mind. Anxiously anticipating what I am about to say, my husband sits up in bed. Without regard, I recklessly blurt it out…“Honey, hold on just a minute, we gotta turn the lights out!”
Large Sized Insecurities
My insecurities and low self-esteem begin to attack my mind. I imagine that his eyes are drawn to the stretch marks, the extra tummy fold. And there’s been no time to apply the fake tanning spray for my day has been consumed with laundry, work and a soccer game. What if he is blinded because my bare legs are glowing in the dark? It is then that I don’t feel pretty enough or feel that I even come close to measuring up to the beautiful women on the magazine covers or the billboards.
For a moment, a horrifying, hilarious thought comes to my mind. Just what if, I am on top and lose my balance and fall down. I could possibly squeeze the life out of him! My neighbor is a funeral home director and I envision the chuckles and what would be said as our friends and family walk by my husband’s funeral procession. “Here lies Rick…Poor fellow he never had a chance. He was smothered!"
I lie there frustrated, knowing that once again I have allowed my large-sized insecurities to become a hindrance to a passionate night of love-making.
Size Does Matter In Sex
Have mercy! Somebody pass me a jar of peanut butter and a chocolate bar. I am about to step all over my hot pink polka dot painted toes and I’m going to need a pedicure by the time I am finished! For many years I found myself trapped, in bondage to low self-esteem and my insecurities.
I allowed my deluxe sizednegative attitude and thoughts, to take up free rent space in my mind and dictate my performance or willingness to make out with my husband in the bedroom. It was not until God restored our marriage several years ago and began to do a healing work in me that I began to cry out, Father God, I need You to set me free! Help me to enjoy this intimate gift of pleasure with my husband as You intended.
Super Sized Godly Perspective
Just being candid, there was a time that I had one oversized, distorted attitude on sex. There were days that I would have to look in the mirror and say GOD, help me to change my attitude. I want to love the lady in the mirror the way that You do.
My friend, I found my healing in the cross. I began to read in God’s Word on His perspective of beauty and how I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I began to repent of my oversized negative attitude which among other things was filled with coveting what other women had. Maybe you can relate to what I am talking about… If only I had her legs, herwaist, her eyes, her hiney… If this makes any sense, I had to get rid of my toxic victim attitude and rise above my self-pity! I began to confess to GOD that I needed healing and some permanent fixing!
I John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and willing to forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. “
God Sized Revelation
God has done amazing things in my marriage and for our sex lives! The chains have fallen and I am learning to enjoy this great gift that God intended for marriage. My husband looks at me like I am a precious diamond. He holds me in his arms and there have been times that I have even seen a tear fall from his eyes. He pulls me close and the first thing he says to me is honey, you are so beautiful.
You see when my spouse sees me, he does not see the flaws and imperfections. He sees me through the eyes of his Master, He sees me as a beautiful daughter of the King! At the same time, my love for my husband is super, value, over, deluxe sized and I am recognizing that he is my perfect gift from God.
What insecurities are you battling with? I want you to know that there is healing power made available to you, through the power of Jesus.
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