I could feel my knees collapsing as I helplessly fell to the floor weeping. I began to gasp for breath. The anxiety, bitterness, and depression began to attack and hover over me like a mad cluster of swarming killer bees.
My mind and thoughts were invaded by questions. What did she look like, was she prettier than me, was she skinnier than me, what color hair did she have, was it long, was it wavy? Did she dress better than me, did she make him laugh the way I did... The room felt as if it were spinning out control and as I sat there alone and broken, the resentment began to take over.
I thought we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. How could this be happening? I was in my twenties and he was the first man I had truly fallen in love with. Only hours before, he had just asked me to be his wife on stage in front of a packed college auditorium. Now I had received this devastating call from a woman from his past claiming to be involved in an intimate ongoing relationship with him. How could I have not known? I felt so ugly, so victimized, so worthless..... There was the confrontation, the tears, the attempts at reconciliation, but later it all crumbled and he just walked away.
Even though this relationship happened years before I met my husband, the memory still lingers. Just being candid, for so long I was guilty of allowing it to cripple me, wreck my securities and shake my self esteem to the core. The truth is that some of you reading this right now do not feel beautiful, and you are battling with insecurities and low self esteem because of what’s been done to you in your past. He or she walked out on you, left you, told you they never loved you, left you for someone else. Maybe it was a painful divorce and you feel like damaged goods. Maybe it was another broken relationship or even the pain from your own father walking out of your life. I sense in my spirit even as I am writing this, that the hurt and grief is so deep that you just want to walk away and stop reading this…..
Maybe you carry the guilt of being raped or molested. No one knows this hidden secret, or the guilt and the shame associated with it. You try to keep it together, but you replay the absolute hell in your mind over and over again. You begin to ask questions- was it my fault? If you don’t feel beautiful because any of this happened, let me tell you- IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Some of you reading this feel ashamed and worthless because of an immoral past. Satan has been attacking and manipulating your mind to where you just feel there is no way you can ever feel beautiful.
Honeychild, today is your day of VICTORY!!! In Christ we can move from being a victim to walking with him in victory in our future. Just being honest, YES, in my past I tried counselors. I tried exercising and starving myself for the wrong reasons. I have tried cracker diets, fad diets, I have worn the provacative fashions, I have stood in front of the mirror weeping uncontrollably, and years ago I even attempted to put my finger down my throat on multiple occasions. Absolutely none of this could take away my pain or make me feel beautiful.
Friend, the change came when I decided to cry out to GOD and say, I can't take it anymore! I do not want to hurt. I need YOU, GOD, to make me brand new. I need to be free from this bondage. God help me to get rid of my old self and allow you to begin a work in me. God help me to love her: the lady in the mirror. I refuse to be a victim, I claim my VICTORY!
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds;and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24
If you have experienced sexual abuse, rape or trauma, we strongly encourage you to seek a local Christian counselor and/or trusted pastor to walk with you on the journey of healing. We also encourage you to pray and share it with your spouse, he or she likely already knows there is something not quite right. Here are a few resources to aid you on your journey of freedom: